I know your pain. You feel forgiveness has to be in exchange for some change on her part, even as your logical brain knows that is unlikely. I lived that with my mother. We reconciled when she was near her end; but she didn't change.

I loved her while I hated her. I hated myself for loving her. I hated myself for hating her. When we became estranged, I felt orphaned. You never stop wanting your mother's love and approval. Without it, you're left feeling bereft, like an orphan. And, I hated her for making me feel that.

That was so much power I ceded to her. In the end, I forgave her for myself, I had to release myself from her power over my emotional well being.