I think I know this feeling. I had a similar experience when Mother died. It was — and is — a mixture of ambivalence and loss, and of guilt for not feeling more sorrow, more loss, more grief. I've come to think the sense of loss was for the person I'd needed her to be… loss that was more about that hope things could become better… that somehow, I could have that mother-daughter relationship and parental approval we all crave.