This hurts to read, to know that you're struggling with this dichotomy. I can't imagine that state of mind would be healthy for the family dynamic either, nor for the kids' future relationships.

I grew up in a very deleterious family dynamic. It was such a struggle to get beyond that. In a way, I suppose it's a blessing my husband and I weren't able to conceive sooner (we had our son at 40), twelve years after we married. I suppose those dozen years helped me be able to give my son a healthier family dynamic.