Very amusing.

Real talk, though, from someone who's come out the other side. If you can afford it, invest in an all silk and linen wardrobe. Both fibers are scientifically proven to be cooling when made into cloth. Some silk material has been found to be as much as 12.5°C cooler than the ambient temperature.

Word of warning: silk is better reserved for underwear because perspiration stands out like someone put it on megaphone.

I couldn't invest in an entire wardrobe. But, I had a black linen dress and a silk slip. When I wore that, I was blessedly cooler than in any other outfit in my closet. NOTE: if you get a silk slip, make sure it's a full, flowy one; straight or slim fit silk slips will pull and tear along the seams just sitting or walking briskly.

I had friends who absolutely swore by their silk sheets. But, I found that cotton sateen sheets are cooler than regular cotton sheets; and they don't cost nearly the expense of pure linen sheets (plus, the don't wrinkle the way linen sheets do).